Are you afraid of the dark? In 2017, Im more afraid of my Twitter followers. But nevertheless, the internet is rejoicing about the possible return of the kid horror TV series after it was reported Monday that It screenwriter Gary Dauberman is working on a reboot.
90s kids, grab your flashlights, read a headline on Refinery29. Do you hear that sound? Slowly building over the horizon? Legions of 90s kids are screaming out MY CHILDHOOD!, began a story on UPROXX.
Well, call me cautiously pessimistic, but how can this cute little show be truly scary anymore?
Everything we eat and drink is killing us, the news is bludgeoning our brains with daily human cruelty and handing over that staggering rent check every month is as emotionally draining as leaving your first-born baby on the steps of a church in hopes that she can one day lead a better life. In 2017, the Midnight Society is no more frightening than your aunties book club.
Lets revisit some of these classics available on YouTube for $1.99 per episode for a reality check.
In this memorable chapter, a young Canadian actor doesnt believe in the local clown ghost, a skeezy performer named Zeebo who supposedly died in a fire years before. To prove his point, this aboot-ing Thomas nabs the nose off a dummy Zeebo in the nearby fun house.
Naturally, ghost Zeebo is peeved about his stolen schnozz and haunts the hockey-lovin teen not to mention the hearts and minds of millennials everywhere.
Fast forward to today: In 2016, there were so many freaky clown appearances around the world that the phenomenon earned its own Wikipedia page. From Croatia to Singapore to Switzerland, masked bozos were seen lurking in the forest or on streets, tapping into every reasonable persons worst fear: that a clown will murder them in cold blood. Now, thats terrifying!
Ross sure plays a mean game of pinball. In this episode, a game-addicted boy takes a gig at a mall arcade. The creepy owner Are You Afraid of The Dark? has more creepy proprietors than you can shake a stick at tells him to under no circumstances touch the pinball machine in the back.
Well, what do you think the authority-disrespecting numbskull goes and does?
Ross becomes trapped in a Mall pinball game with feats he must tackle and villains he must vanquish.
Thats great, guys. But in order to even encounter a demonic antique toy at your office, you gotta get a job first. Too bad teen summer employment has plummeted to 35 percent this year from 60 percent in 1978. A dispiriting lack of early professional development: The horror! The horror!
This The Picture of Dorian Grey rip-off is less frightening than deeply cathartic. A young narcissist has been robbing others youth in order to remain young himself. The only way to reveal his actual age? Snap a photo.
OK, Dauberman, Ill level with you. Members of the demo clamoring for a new Are You Afraid of the Dark? series are expected to take 25,000 lifetime selfies each! So a new episode in which every one of the millions of selfie-takers disappears en masse la The Leftovers would be totally hilarious.
Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society: The Tale of the Vanishing Vanities.