Has the trade deadline passed? If not, Im thinking a straight swap. Well trade ESPN for North Korea. Bristol, Conn., for Pyongyang and a nuclear warhead to be named later. In fact, well keep the name, Later.
I admit to a certain hypocrisy about ESPNs late Sunday night baseball, which Sunday, and perhaps into Monday morning, will be another Yankees-Red Sox game.
I try to stay awake just to see how it will butcher the telecast, the game, complicate and confuse the simple and conspicuous, split the screen, diminish the view, turn it to non-stop talk radio and otherwise attack the central nervous system. ESPN never disappoints.
Last Sunday night during Dodgers-Mets, ESPN met my highest standard of comedy. It made me laugh aloud, alone in a room.
With Mets call-up Amed Rosario batting for the first time in the game, ESPN figured that five games constitutes an MLB career. Thus, a graphic ESPNs stat graphics are produced by a cleaning crew that passes a damp cloth along the computer keyboards we read this about Rosario:
Career with two strikes 0/13, 8 Ks.
Then play-by-play man Dan Shulman added to the hilarity with, Hes not very selective. He will expand the zone.
Expand the zone? What does that mean? How can he expand the zone? Did he mean swing at bad pitches? Is that like quarterbacks who extend the play, the new long-form nonsense for scrambling?
So trade Rosario! Send him back to the minors! Or to North Korea! Five games in, he is a career bust!
I now realize it is better to laugh than, say, throw a claw hammer at a 48-inch screen.
Peter Kostis, CBS say-anything analyst, did the trick Thursday during the TNT/CBS PGA Championship, as Rory McIlroy was about to putt. TNT/CBS was under the impression all had tuned in only to watch the McIlroy-Rickie Fowler-Jon Rahm group play the first round of a major, to the exclusion of all others except Phil Mickelson, who was busy shooting 8-over.
Kostis: When the greens are at this speed and this firm, the ability to match break and speed becomes crucial.
Stop, youre killing me! The same applies to every putt on every green taken by every player! Speed and break are crucial to making any putt, including those attempted by the Tuesday morning fixed-income boys at Dyker Beach!
With McIlroy near the top at 2-under and 196 yards out, hitting his second to the par-5 16th, Ernie Johnson mightve let the scene speak for itself. Instead, he went with, He needs something close, doesnt he?
That threatened my sense of humor. Remember the Three Stooges Niagara Falls bit? Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch
Your tax dollars at work: Rutgers 13-man basketball roster currently includes two players from Senegal, one from Portugal, another from Canada, another from the Netherlands. And two from New Jersey.
Think 39 percent of the student body is from out of the country? Or just 15 percent are from Jersey?
SUNY-Albanys 14-student-athlete roster includes four foreign players, three from Australia. Also, two from Illinois, one each from Maryland, Michigan, Arizona and Georgia. Three are from New York.
Think Albanys in-state student body is just 21 percent?
While our colleges are becoming prohibitively expensive for students, and while faculty and facilities suffer the crunch, as well, there is always a pile of money much of it supplied by taxpayers to throw at basketball and football. Priorities.
By the way, if presented as a voter referendum, how do you think Should New York State-funded colleges recruit full-scholarship basketball players from Australia? make out?
I write, you read, you write, I read, I write:
This columns recent recall of Bugs Bunny, playing all nine positions, leading the Teetotalers to that 96-run comeback win over the Gashouse Gorillas stirred memories and renewed controversy.
Several readers claim Bugs made an illegal catch by throwing his glove at the ball after climbing the flagpole atop the Umpire State Building.
Reader Mark Saleman said he believes the Teetotalers should have been declared the winners before the Gorillas finished batting in the ninth because when that pathetic palooka pasted Bugs powerful paralyzing perfect pachydermus percussion pitch he was using an illegal bat. Hed cut down a tree and was using the trunk as a bat!
Based on how far he hit it, it was a cork tree trunk, too.
Further, reader Jeff Rockman claims to be in possession of the actual slow ball with which Bugs struck out three Gorillas on just one pitch. I have it listed on eBay, certificate of authenticity included.
From Bugs to Bugsy: Reader Ken Ferber was fascinated to read that Jay Cutlers wife coaxed him to surrender his FOX analyst position before it began to return to playing QB in the NFL.
Considering all the evidence on concussions, its kind of like Virginia Hill telling Bugsy Siegel to stay home and read the paper.
Fundamental truths and near-truths:
After last season, Gary Sanchez was anointed a Yankees great, even this season bestowed a bobblehead day. Now? Well, lets just say it was a tad premature. Not only is he not the nascent slugger of last season, he is often a liability.
Wednesday in Toronto, he led off the second with a home run that nearly was caught or knocked back by Kevin Pillar. Still, Sanchez jogged while watching.
Sanchez thinks, hes got it, David Cone said on YES during a replay, but you never know with Pillar in center field.
Though Cone didnt ignore Sanchezs indolence, he had to know that the ability of any fielder is irrelevant. Sanchez should have been running, running as if the Yankees are in a pennant race.
And someone perhaps ex-MLB catcher Joe Girardi should let him know his teams in a race, thus discourage Sanchez from making stylish but senselessly risky one-handed snap catches of pop flies.
Thursday on YES, Michael Kay and Cone noted the unusual: Blue Jays left fielder Steve Pearce catches fly balls with both hands, securing the ball in his glove with his bare hand. A lost art, said Cone.
We know that, but why?
Cant say Mets radio man Josh Lewin doesnt try to sustain an audience during blowouts. Thursday, with the Mets soon to be 10-0 winners in Philadelphia, Lewin gave us what he knew about Phillies call-up Rhys Hoskins previous club: 1) Hes up from the Triple-A Lehigh Valley IronPigs, where the teams slogan is: Where pigs fly! 2) The teams magazine is, Pork Illustrated.